Love Heals

January / February 2019

The Power of Love

Empathy, Compassion, Love, & Understanding

August & September 2018, The STAR Experience

The STAR Experience

One of the things STAR aims to do is to get you into Your Experience. By definition, an Experience is something personally encountered, undergone, or lived through. The STAR process is quite special and unique, but it is not one that is very easy to explain.  It must be felt. It must be lived through. The STAR Experience is just that: an EXPERIENCE. And while everyone will experience STAR in a different way, many find the end result to be the same: a genuine connection to themselves and the world around them, a deeper understanding of the causes behind their pain and suffering, and a desire to continue on their healing journey. 

The STAR Process is designed to help you Experience your Childhood and other areas that may be of concern to you — your Marriage or Relationship, your Job or Career — in a manner that is much deeper in quality, intensity, and time than Talk Therapy can provide.  And it is a Highly Individualized Process, with a Staff/Participant ration of more than one Staff member for every two Participants.  While you may not fully understand the purpose of every STAR experience, and there are lots of different ones provided, you will be encouraged to Trust the Process and your own Experience of the Process throughout STAR.

Every day at STAR is a chance for a new beginning — a chance to uncover the root causes of what has been holding you back in life, a chance to break free from the old patterns that prevent you from living the life you want to live.  STAR is a stepping stone… a launchpad, if you will. And if you are willing to take a leap of faith, you will find that you will come very far in a short time. 

When I went to STAR in 1996, I was experiencing what has been called male depression. Of course, I didn’t know that at the time. (A therapist named Terrence Real has since written a book about such depression, called “I Don’t Want to Talk About It,” but it wasn’t available in 1996). All I knew is that Life wasn’t Fun any more — everything I did was a Chore, involving Duty and Responsibility (my stepfather’s key motivations, which I had apparently internalized). If my kids wanted to go waterskiing in our boat, I would inwardly groan, “Oh, God, now I have to hook up the trailer, check the battery and fuel, and do more work, work, work!” Since Life wasn’t Fun, neither was I.

I went to STAR because individual therapy, while doing a good job of getting me to explore my Family of Origin Stuff, wasn’t really helping me change. I decided to Immerse myself for 17 days (STAR was 17 days long back in 1996) in a healing environment to see if the Experience of STAR would help speed things up.

One of the ways of looking at STAR is that it’s a Smorgasbord of Experiences and People. STAR is a process involving a host of different experiences and guided by a Team of Facilitators. Some experiences will work for some participants, and other experiences will work for other participants. The Facilitators, while having all been to STAR themselves and while sharing a common philosophy and a strong desire to help others heal, have very different training and experience. Some are therapists; many are not. The only thing they all have in common is that they all went to STAR, they all were where we participants were now. But each one has his or her own Magic to offer. Some of this Magic would work for me, some would not — and that would be true for all the participants.

Well, getting back to My STAR... There eventually came an experience that I was Very Skeptical about, that I didn’t think could Possibly work for me. My Logical & Rational approach to life rejected experiences like this as “Woo Woo,” But everybody at STAR kept telling me to “Trust the Process,” to “Get on the Train and Go for a Ride,” to be willing to at least Try an Experience (just like my mother wanted me to at least Try to eat zucchini...), so I said to myself that I would Let Go of Prejudgment and give myself to this Woo Woo thing.

And this Experience turned out to be the Most Profoundly Healing Experience of My Life! I went into it a depressed male who did not realize that there was a Kid inside of him that wanted to Play and that Knew How to Play. I came out of it with the Kid shining out of my eyes, Ready and Willing to Have Fun, to Be Fun.

And, though I’m now Definitely an Old Man, that Kid is still shining out of my eyes, is forever a part of me, and the Most Important Part of me. STAR Transformed me, and I am So Grateful for that.

Alec, STAR Participant & Longtime Faciliator

June & July 2018, Love STAR

The word “Love,” as either a verb or noun, is used to mean lots of different things. There is the unconditional love of a dog, who doesn’t care what you look like or how old or physically fit you are or how well you are groomed or how much money you have. There is the often obsessive love/attraction in a new romantic relationship, where the lovers are sometimes oblivious to the outside world in their mutual infatuation. There is the quieter love in a longterm romantic relationship, in which the partners see each other clearly, yet accept each other’s faults and peculiarities and love each other in spite of them, or sometimes even because of them. We also use the word “love” to describe our passionate interest in activities or objects: I, for instance, love motorcycling and motorcycles, cars, birding, photography, the Boston Red Sox, and the UCONN women’s basketball team. Obsession and Passion can get intertwined in this type of love, too — the word “fan,” after all, is short for “fanatic.”

At STAR we often encounter people who are “looking for love,” which usually means they are looking for someone to love Them, looking to Receive love from Other(s). Many STAR participants come from families who didn’t love them in the way they deserved, who didn’t understand them, who didn’t accept them. They were deprived of the healthy and biologically programmed love of parents for their children. It is natural that they are looking for the love they never received as a child. Looking for that kind of love in a romantic relationship often creates problems.

At STAR we facilitators model ideal parenting so that participants can learn how to parent themselves in a healthy way to heal the wounds that were created in their families of origin. We come to STAR prepared to Love all the participants. But what kind of “Love” is this? It doesn’t sound like any of the Loves that I listed in the first paragraph, does it?

The best definition of this kind of love I have found is M. Scott Peck's, “I define love thus: The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” (The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values, and Spiritual Growth)

The first thing I notice about this definition is that it is not about Receiving love, but about Giving it through an Act of Will. The Giving involves “extending one’s self,” so it is a Going Beyond one’s normal way of being in the world. And the purpose is nurturing spiritual growth — nothing about Romance, Sexual Attraction, Living Happily Ever After here! Finally, the spiritual growth that is nurtured is the spiritual growth of one’s self or of another’s. I would suggest that by extending one’s self to nurture the spiritual growth of another, as we facilitators try to do at STAR, we are Always nurturing our own spiritual growth. To put it a different way, since we facilitators all were once STAR participants and have our own wounds from our childhood, by nurturing the spiritual growth of STAR participants we are also helping to heal Ourselves.

But what exactly does Mr. Peck mean by “spiritual growth”? Clearly, he is not writing about some kind of Religion here. The word “spirit” originally referred to breathing, from Latin “spirare,” to breathe. If we look the word up in the dictionary, we find a host of meanings, including “the principle of conscous life; the vital principle in humans; an attitude or principle that inspires, animates, or pervades thought, feeling or action; excellent disposition or attitude in terms of vigor, courage, firmness of intent.” As the verb “inspirit,” we find “to animate with fresh ardor or courage; to encourage, urge on, or stir up to action.” If we distill all these, especially noting the etymology of “breathing,” I suppose we can simply say, “improving our LOVE ability to Live Fully.” And Living Fully involves “vigor, courage (the root of courage is Heart), firmness of intent.” To Inspirit Ourselves is To Breathe, To Live.

At STAR facilitators Extend Ourselves for the purpose of nurturing the Spiritual Growth of participants. In so doing we nurture our own Spiritual Growth. Participants join in Extending Themselves to nurture their Spiritual Growth, that of the other participants, facilitators and STAR staff. The result is STAR is imbued with; immersed in…Love.

Alec McDonell, STAR Facilitator 

Summer, a Time of Renewal

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.”   - Ambrose Redmoon

Fear is the number one thing that holds us back in life. We fear that we are not good enough, smart enough, or capable enough. We fear that those around us will not accept or support our dreams, ideas, and plans for our lives.  And it’s no wonder.  When we look around, what do we see?  We see all that society, our family, and friends think we should be, and it becomes quite easy to believe that we do not live up to what others envision for us.  This fear is ingrained in many of us from a very early age. 

As children, we want our parents approval. As adolescents, we want approval from our peers, teachers, and family. As we continue to grow, we are so used to seeking approval from the outside world that we rarely spend the time to think about how we feel about ourselves independent of the opinion of others. We have been trained to be fearful of the disapproval of others. This causes us to doubt ourselves, our own strengths, and insights. Fear certainly helps us to stand in our own way, doesn’t it? When we seek validation externally, all we wind up creating is inner turmoil. Despite this, we continue to want to believe what we have always known, and even if it’s awful, it’s comfortable.

There comes a point however, when comfortable just doesn’t feel right anymore. The fear of moving from our comfort zone may still be there, but we begin to slowly accept that there may be something better out there for us. Sometimes it’s not until we reach our far edge of discomfort, that we begin to develop the courage to change our situation, our mindset, and our lives. Very often the word courage is interpreted as simply facing a fear. For many of us this idea of courage is outward, meaning it is defined by what we do for others. Certainly the courageous actions of those portraying a character in a movie or novel are easy to pick out. Running into a fire, or standing up to injustice are undoubtedly feats of courage. But, if we go back to the basics, we discover that the root of the word courage is cor, the latin word for heart. Originally the definition did not include feats of strength, or heroism as we know it today, but simply meant to speak from one’s heart, to be vulnerable, and to trust in yourself as you trust in others. 

If we think of courage from this perspective, then in today’s society, it is quite courageous to believe in yourself, to take care of yourself before others, to speak freely and confidently, and to trust your own inner voice. Not an easy thing to do in a world mostly dependent on the opinions of others. But so long as we continue to rely on the opinions of others to validate us, that inner turmoil will continue. In today’s world true courage is being able to shut down the idea of what others believe we should be, and discover it for ourselves. It is quieting our minds in order to hear the whispers of our own heart.  It is knowing that we have the power to be whatever we want to be.  It is knowing that we are good enough just because we are. 

Maybe being courageous isn’t solely about our ability to protect or stand up for others. Maybe having courage is also about protecting ourselves, healing ourselves, and loving ourselves.

Kimberly Doughty, STAR Facilitator 

Spring is here!

New Beginnings and Welcoming Spring

Trust

Happy Holidays

Founder's Corner

2018 Winter STAR Retreat 
January 19 - 28, 2018                  
                     
2018 Spring STAR Retreat
April 13 - 22, 2018

2018 Summer STAR Retreat 
July 20 - 29, 2018                         
 
2018 Fall STAR Retreat 
October 19 - 28, 2018                

Trust, An Important Value in Human Relationships 

Listen Little Girl

Little girl, little girl, listen to your heart beat.
Life is unsettling and dull.  
Darkness sometimes surrounds you,
Especially alone at night.
Repeated visions/dreams of scary monkeys grabbing at you
From under the bed causing trauma.
Nobody comes to help or rescue you, all alone.
Parents arguing, Mama crying,
Never enough money is mostly what I hear.
Dad playing craps in the corner of the living room
filled with dense cigar smoke and loud men’s voices egging one another on,
beer bottles spinning, falling to the floor;
can’t sleep, nobody can sleep, house is tiny.
Mama cries more and my new baby brother cries too.
So much unhappiness?  Hard to remember.
Mama sends me to stay with my Daddy’s Mama,
Grandpa just died and Grandma is sad so we cheer one another up.
My Grandma lives nearby in a big white house.
My own room, stories at bedtime, favorite food,
rocking on the porch swing after dinner listening to the crickets.
Teas and fashion shows,
Newly sewn Raggedy Ann and Raggedy Andy with special hearts
stitched into their chests, made just for me by my Grandma.
Just the two of us, sharing this happy time together, feeling so loved.
We were “two peas in a pod” as Grandma would say.
An equal exchange of love, trust, admiration, and devotion.
I don’t want to go home, as this is the place I belong.
Little girl, little girl, listen to your heart beat.

- Kathy Reid, STAR Board of Directors

Thank you from the STAR Foundation

Unconditional Love

Founder's Corner

2018 Winter STAR Retreat 
January 19 - 28, 2018                  
                     
2018 Spring STAR Retreat
April 13 - 22, 2018

2018 Summer STAR Retreat 
July 20 - 29, 2018                         
 
2018 Fall STAR Retreat 
October 19 - 28, 2018                

The Value of Unconditional Love 

Unconditional Love

Unconditional love applies to many aspects of life. I would like to speak to the concept of unconditional love as it applies to child rearing. In my experience, both personally and professionally, unconditional love is a rarity. In fact, what I often see is that  conditional love is the predominant method of child rearing. If there is love (which is often not the case) it gets withdrawn by the parent if/when the child does something the parent does not approve of, or if the child’s behavior or feelings don’t fit into the image of what the parent wants the child to be. Instead of getting angry at the behavior, which may or may not be warranted, the parent often gets angry at the child rather than the child’s “behavior.” The child often ends up feeling she/he is bad, stupid, or worthless and unloved. This could be the beginning of deeply held trauma. The child’s punishment could be in the form of physical abuse or some kind of emotional abuse like being shamed or humiliated or being hit with words. Whatever it is, when love is shut off or withdrawn as a way of disciplining, it can lead to a lack of trust, a lack of feeling of safe and secure, and a shutting down of her/his feelings and heart. And from what I’ve seen, this has happened to a lot of us. 

The good news is, we can get some of what we’ve lost back. The presence of unconditional love has the power to heal. And by unconditional love, I don’t mean “nicey nicey everything is beautiful.” I mean someone with a caring, open heart who is nonjudgmental and can really listen and stay present in the midst of deep pain, anger, sadness or fear. It may be rare, but when you experience it, it can be like finding the freedom of coming home to yourself.  I believe unconditional love is at the root of much of the healing that takes place at STAR. In an environment of unconditional love participants are able to let down their guard, their defenses, to some extent at least, and are able to be vulnerable. It is that vulnerability that allows them to connect with their feelings and their hearts. It allows them to peek out from their fortress of defenses and be more human and real. People often eventually feel safe when unconditional love is present and that’s where real healing can begin.

Kenny Ball, STAR Facilitator

My Mother's Unconditional Love

My little brother was always different in odd ways that were difficult for me to understand at six years old.  For a kid growing up on a ranch, he didn’t have much interest in playing outside or riding around in the truck with my Dad.  He was already an actor by two years old entertaining himself and his imaginary friends, using my closet for his convenient wardrobe.

I later understood that my brother was homosexual.  He was a curse to my macho rancher father.  Dad was of the mindset that you could toughen a kid up and “change his way of thinking”.  His disapproval was traumatizing to my brother, particularly at that young age. The more my Dad verbally assaulted him, the more my brother withdrew and found protection with my Mother.  Literally hiding behind her skirts in our kitchen when Dad was on one of his rants.  Our Dad lived his life never accepting or tolerating my brother which left this bright, talented, handsome boy psychologically damaged.

My parents divorced when my little brother was only seven years old.  The ending of their marriage was a blessing, as my brother escaped the torment my father constantly directed towards him.  My Mother and siblings and I moved to the city to be close to supportive relatives.  The local school’s curriculum didn’t challenge my brother’s intellect.  He found refuge in singing and acting, landing the lead rolls in most plays he auditioned for.  His beautiful voice took him to Europe with a troop of singers in the 70’s when drugs were readily available.  He traveled for several months where he experienced a new kind of excitement with friendships and drugs.  When he ran out of money and friends, he returned seeking refuge and stability, taking shelter with our Mom once again.  This time as a young adult.  

My brother became rather self-destructive and attempted suicide a few times that first year after his return from Europe.  Our Mother was a constant, compassionate support to my brother.  She became frustrated over the lack of mental health programs and services for suicide prevention.  Her search was constant, defeating and unsuccessful.  Her profound love for this child came from forgiving and accepting him truly for who he was rather than what anyone thought, or judged or misunderstood. There was hope that he could find the help he needed and shake the addiction monkey on his back.  It was a slow climb back to sobriety which he was finally successful at in his late twenties. I see my brother as a reflection of our Mother’s unconditional love and acceptance.  She understood the importance that everyone, particularly her children, deserved to love and be loved without condition or judgement.  She also understood and encouraged us to follow our own paths with the unique talents we each possessed.  She was our constant champion and true example of unconditional love.

Quote: “If we make our goal to live a life of compassion and unconditional love, then the world will indeed become a garden where all kinds of flowers can bloom and grow.” Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Kathy Reid, STAR Board of Directors

Become a Friend of STAR!